I want to shed some light on my bad attitude. I hope you find some encouragement and gain understanding as I share my heart with you.
A while back, something happened that wounded me and messed with my head. I kept telling myself that time would help. In all honesty, I just let it sit. Only praying about it occasionally, I became quiet in my spirit. I was having anxiety and would wake up in night sweats. I kept asking myself what else I could do to fix something that was no longer mine to fix. I was torturing myself when I thought about this thing that was bothering me but continued to push it aside.
I’m sharing this because it was part of why I just didn’t care about fighting cancer this time. Part of me felt like I was insignificant, like I was disposable. I had looked at this thing from all angles. I was hoping for grace, but it never came. I was left feeling unsafe and my trust was broken.
Then my cancer diagnosis happened. I wasn’t sure if I would make it through this diagnosis. I’m not sure I wanted to at first. But I realized that I don’t know when my time is up and it was time to deal with this hurt and truly give it to God.
We all make our own choices. Whether we are going through hard times or the most joyous times. We are still responsible for how we are going to treat others. I realized that in this situation I did all that I could and truly accepted that I am not responsible for others’ choices. It is time to finally let go of the thing that was bringing pain into my life and walk out in God’s Freedom.
I have this wonderful family and an amazing, imperfect husband who loves me to pieces. He has never made me feel unsafe or like I couldn’t trust him and that is what I am focusing on. God has blessed me with a man that cares for people and isn’t afraid to show it. He is my safe place. Ultimately God is my safe place but he gave me a man who follows him and will admit his faults. He is my other half and helps me be a better person.
My faith in the Lord has never wavered. Yes, I did get angry because I didn’t want to go through cancer again, but facing it has helped me to deal with the things that I didn’t want to.
I am sharing this because if you are struggling it’s time to let go and hopefully let God have it all. He wants to give you freedom from the things that hold you back.
Deal with your stuff and move on. It will be good for you. 🙂
I pray that my honesty will help you and thank you for letting me share where my headspace was at when I originally found out that I was fighting cancer again.
Let me know what I can be praying for. I really do like to pray.
Love,
-Tamika
